Article XIV: Sexcapade

Written by:
Jacob King

A sexcapade (as defined by the highly esteemed and peer-reviewed Urban Dictionary) is when someone engages in a sexual conquest to conquer every person in their path. Like Braveheart, but with sex.

I’m sure we all know a bro or two with such a lofty life goal. History is filled with sexual conquerors. Take for instance the infamous… Casanova.  

This 18th century Venetian bro scandalized many of his fellow country folk with his autobiography, The Story of My Life, which contains close to 3,700 pages deeply detailing his love affairs. He even reports in it to have traveled over 40,000 miles to engage in these flings with countless countesses, milkmaids… and even nuns. The Story of My Life was so scandalous for its time that, until more modern times, the French National Library kept the few heavily censored manuscripts that were available to the public in a little cupboard for illicit books called L’Enfer, or the Hell. 

The only uncensored manuscript detailing Casanova’s endless sexual crusades survived its own daring adventures:

Casanova bequeathed the only manuscript on his deathbed to his nephew, whose descendants sold it later to a German publisher, Brockhaus. For nearly 140 years, the Brockhaus family kept the original under lock and key. The manuscript even escaped destruction in World War II, surviving a direct hit by an Allied bomb on the Brockhaus offices. A family member, soon after, pedaled it on a bicycle across Leipzig to a bank security vault. When the U.S. Army occupied the city in 1945, even Winston Churchill inquired after its fate. It was only in 1960 that the first uncensored edition was published, in French. 

And you definitely don’t have to have to be a 18th century French nun to feel a little blush while reading the full manuscript. One might even start to wonder if herpes can be contracted by simply flicking through the ménages à trois and ménages à quatre that permeate its pages.

Casanova notes in his magnum opus that his sexcapade ambitions began at the age of 17 when he lost his virginity to two well-born teenage sisters, while studying for a career in the Church as minister. The romantic triangle continued for years, incepting his lifelong crusade: “I was born for the sex opposite to mine,” Casanova wrote in the preface of his memoir. “I have always loved it and done all that I could to make myself loved by it.” 

“Cultivating whatever gave pleasure to my senses was always the chief business of my life,” he again wrote in The Story of My Life. And chief among those sense pleasures, for Casanova, was sex.

All in all, with his imposing “North African” presence and his unbridled self-esteem, Casanova achieved his Alexander-the-Great-level conquest with thousands of women.

Yet, despite his sexual stardom, Casanova is by no means the only champ-champ. Genghis Khan is one of the most feared warriors of all times and founder of the Mongol Empire. Khan also possessed one of the largest harems known to history. His harem housed anywhere between two to three thousand women at any given time. In fact, he was so prolific in his carnality that, according to scientists from the Russian Academy of Sciences, this brutal ruler has an estimated sixteen million male descendants living today… which is nearly 8% of the current population of Central Asia. Chances are if ancestry.com places your heritage in Central Asia, Khan-o is his name-o. 

However, sexual conquers aren’t just secular folkheros; many can be found among the “sacred”.

David Koresh, originally named Vernon Howell, was another cult leader and responsible for the Waco siege, which inspired the popular Netflix series “Waco.” Koresh was also highly motivated by sex. His teachings given to the Branch Davidians cult followers included the practice of "spiritual weddings," which enabled him to bed God-chosen female followers... of all ages. Koresh ended up fathering at least a dozen children with members other than his legal wife. The youngest of his wives was 12.

And the rest is sex and Kool-aid-cult history. 

I had to ask the obvious question: Were John and the others cut from the same loincloth as Koresh? Could a “resurrection deception,” resulting in thousands upon thousands of gruesome martyrdoms, possibly have been motivated by something so simple but so entrancing as sex? Could John and the others have been like the notorious cult leaders of recent past who were willing to use their power and leadership to go all in on an unlimited sex-buffet of those under their spiritual trance? 

There was just one slight problem with this sexplanation: all the historical data pointed to John and the others being… celibate.

With celibacy, there is absolutely no, not under any circumstance, sex allowed. And for these disciples of the Voice, the requirement was even more severe: they weren’t even allowed to imagine it... let alone go on an ACTUAL sexcapade. 

John even discloses that Jesus used the word “eunuch” to describe his and the others' lifestyle going forward. And, lets just say, “eunuch” is not a word a sexual crusader, let alone any man, wants associated with them…. A “eunuch” historically was a man that watched over a political ruler’s harem, like Genghis’. And to ensure there was no foul play, the ruler had his sex tool cut clean off… that ought to do it.

This Voice seemed to be on the up and up about what could be a man’s main motivation in life and wanted to make it very clear to John and the others how serious he was when it came to preying on the women and young girls that belonged to the Way. What I found most incredible was that Jesus himself was a “spiritual eunuch”, never engaging in any love affairs with those who followed his teachings. When so many leaders use their power and influence to satisfy their own desires, here was a leader who preached the opposite — and possibly the only one who actually practiced what he preached.

What was also interesting is that after Jesus had died, John easily could have taken his eraser to all this crazy eunuch talk and gone on his merry crusading way, like all the cult leaders of the past; nonetheless the historical evidence points towards John staying true to his call to be a spiritual eunuch, even teaching this same purity to the early communities. There was no sex and Kool-aid cult paraphernalia found in the camps of John’s disciples. 

Origen of Alexandria (c. 185–c. 253), a tremendous Philosopher and early believer in the Voice, is rumored to have actually castrated himself in an attempt to perfectly follow Jesus' “spiritual eunuch” teaching. This was not a recommended way to do it (the number of male followers would be severely cut if this was the case), yet it testifies to the early disciples, like John, understanding of just how serious Jesus was about sexual purity among the leaders.

I was stunned. 

If the claim of the resurrection wasn’t the result of dragon sickness burning up John’s heart allowing millions to die for a lie, or a deep willingness to famewhore his way into perpetual glory, or the age-old, Casanova-type, motivation for a sexual crusade…

Was this seemingly fanciful claim actually true?

The Next Article: The Verdict

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